OK, that was a deliberately provocative title. I have absolutely nothing against safe words and I do, in fact, have a safe word which is ‘teapot’. I’m in a BDSM-based relationship with someone where we do BDSM-y things with one another, I’d be silly not to have a safe word.
But I don’t use it. Not because I’m hard as nails but because my partner and I don’t really role play. We’re not acting out some kind of pretendy non-con hostage scenario so there isn’t a lot of “Please I beg of you! No more!” stuff going on.”
The other evening I stopped a spanking session because I was worrying about some other stuff and I wasn’t in the right place for it mentally. I didn’t need to safe word I just said “Can we stop a moment please?” And we did. We then gave it another go after I had had a little break and then I called time on it again. My boyfriend totally understood and we cuddled instead.
I think safe words can be a confusing topic for non-BDSM types. I mean, everybody knows about them. Joking about safe words has become part of everyday language. However I think some people assume that the purpose of every impact play session is to push your sub so hard that they HAVE to safe word. Maybe some people do play like this but it doesn’t reflect the experiences of othe subs and doms I’ve met.
A good dom is attuned to your mood and needs. Mine certainly knows the difference between a breathless “No!” involutarily whispered after a particularly hard stroke, and a “Can we stop a moment please?” when I need to collect my thoughts or ask him to readjust my cuffs before I cut off my blood circulation.
I very, very rarely ask him to stop though. The other night was the exception. It’s like with counting. I love counting the swats when we have a big, long spanking session. Partly because it puts me into control. I don’t get another spank until I’ve counted the last one. But I don’t abuse this control. Unless I’m literally too breathless to speak, I count the last swat. I don’t think about whether I want the next swat, my Dom is in charge of how many I get. And my head is in a very strange place when I’m being spanked anyway.
Thinking Kink by Catherine Scott has a very good chapter on safe words, one thing she cautions against is the assumption that anybody should assume that because a sub doesn’t use a safe word then they are entirely responsible if anything happens in a session that they didn’t like. Anyone who has ever experienced subspace knows that BDSM can take your brain to a place which is very like being drunk or high. When that happens, I’m not always in the best place to make rational decisions, so I need to trust someone to be the responsible adult.
I think it’s important to remember that whether you play with one partner or many, every sub’s needs are different. And it’s important to play together in the way that suits you both. I’m sure that many people would find my willingness to ‘break character’ during a spanking session, surprising un-subby but it works for us.
And of course, if I ever do need to say ‘Teapot’, it’s good to know that I can.