A lot of people seem to be weighing in on Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s song WAP so I may as well add my own voice to the chorus of ill-informed opinion despite, like so many other commentators, having literally no qualifications to do so.
At least, unlike Ben Shapiro I am not going to smugly tell people that vaginal lubrication is an indicator of a medical disorder. (It isn’t, Ben and if your wife is telling you that’s why she’s not getting wet during your marital intimate time, I think she might be sparing your feelings.) Nor am I like Russell Brand who can join the large and ignoble group of supposedly woke menfolk telling women that they’re doing feminism wrong. Bitches love it when you mansplain feminism to them, Russ. Always a winner, that one.
WAP is not the sort of song I usually listen to. My Spotify playlists are mostly full of music from the 60s and 70s which is odd because I was only six when the seventies ended.
But my newsfeeds are full of people celebrating women celebrating sex and other people (presumably time travellers) expressing horror that a lady might do anything in the bedroom but lie back and think of England. And that pushes it into my particular area of interest.
I like sex. I like sex-positive people. I also rather like it when people who want to shame women for liking sex get upset and then get their arse handed to them on a plate.
So here we go, the Good, the Bad and the Sexy about Wet Ass Pussy.
Just all of it, really. From the opening shots of lactating pond statues to Cardi and Megan’s almost slapstick exit and everything that happens in between. It’s fun-packed theme park of light-hearted erotica and they all look like they’re having a marvellous time.
“Macaroni in the pot”
In a whole song full of bonkers lyrics, ‘Macaroni in the pot’ in the bonkerest. But hell, why not? I suspect that Cardi B took a bet that she could make anything sound dirty in the right context especially if she did that hand gesture at the same time. “What’s the least sexy thing you can think of?” “Um, macaroni?” “Challenge accepted!”
“Swipe your nose like a credit card”
A wonderfully evocative image. I am including this in my come-hither bedroom banter forthwith.
“Bring a bucket and a mop”
Yes, this list of the good stuff is just mostly a list of my favourite lyrics because, well, they’re great. With this, our bad-ass ladies are both informing their gentlemen friends that (a) there’s going to be a lot of pleasurable excretions when they’re together and (b) if anyone is going to clean it up, well it’s not going to be them.
Whores in this house
I’m a middle aged white woman from one of the whitest, most middle-class, most conservative areas of England. I am not this song’s intended audience. Which is probably why I’m baffled by the Al “T” McLaran’s “Whores in this house” sample from which is used throughout this song. Is it being used ironically? Have young cool women reclaimed the word ‘whore’ in the same way that LGBT people have reclaimed the word ‘queer’? I’m probably missing something important but to my ears, having a male voice refer to the women in this video as whores in the midst of their female empowerment sounds very jarring.
And again, this is my middle-class white Englishness shining through like a big shiny beacon, but I am a bit puzzled by the number of references to transactional sex in this song. Like “Pay my tuition just to kiss me on this wet-ass pussy.” Hold up ladies, are we talking about having sex for the sheer unashamed joy of it or is it about having the sexy times for material benefit? I think those two things don’t necessarily overlap all that often.
OK, I know the leopard and tigers featured in this video were added afterwards with CGI. But that doesn’t excuse using actual wild animals as a shortcut to “ostentatious wealth” in the song. Those big cats were being held in captivity and filmed by someone. Give the beasts some dignity. Has Tiger King taught us nothing? And the snakes shouldn’t have been there either.
There are a lot of references to kinky shit in this song and it’s great. Megan Thee Stallion sings about whips and leashes and tell us that she’s “lookin’ for a beatin’”. I appreciate that a beating in this sense might be referring to vigorous penis pounding from an enthusiastic sex partner. But whenever I’m talking about beating, I’m talking about spanking so that was how I interpreted this lyric. And because I want there to be references to spanking everywhere I’m sticking to that.
This video is just a dream for lovers of fetishwear. From Cardi and Megan’s day-glo corsets to their latex and fishnet swimsuits, the whole thing is kinky as fuck and all the better for it. The celebrity cameos in this video showcase some great outfits too. Special shout out to Normani’s latex houndstooth bodysuit. Smart and practical! You could wear it literally anywhere.
The full-on unashamed enjoyment of sex.
Let’s talk about sex. A lot. In enthusiastic detail. And let’s not spare of the blushes of anyone who doesn’t think it’s ladylike to talk about gushing. That’s the message I got from this video. It’s a wonderfully empowering message to girls and women everywhere.
Sense of humour
Everyone knows that a sense of humour is the sexiest thing there is. And Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion clearly have that in spades. Sex might be sexy but it’s also fun. WAP embraces its over-the-top silliness, enjoys itself thoroughly and invites everybody watching to join in the fun.
And for that, ladies, I applaud you.