We love tea here at Tea & Spanking Towers. It is, after all, the first word in our name. (I say “we”; currently the staff at T&S Towers consists of me and my two cats. And the cats aren’t even big tea drinkers to be honest.)
We especially love New Jersey- based teamongers, BrutaliTeas, because they are – and I mean this is the most loving way possible – completely and utterly bonkers.
They offer a wide range of different flavoured teas all inspired by horror movies and rock music. You should check out their website if only for the puns. There you will find (amongst many others) The Silence Of The Jams, Bohemian Raspberry, Iron Mandarin and Children of the Candy Corn.
BrutaliTeas is a good fit for this website and not just because they make a damn fine cup of tea. There is quite the overlap between people who like horror movies, heavy metallers and sadomasochistic kinky types. There’s a shared love of corsetry for one.
In fact, I only need BrutaliTeas to start making a blend called B.D.Assam and my life will be pretty much complete.
The most kink-tastic of BrutaliTeas’ current offerings is probably The Rocky Road Picture Show. But for marshmallow-based vegetarian reasons, I won’t be trying that one.
Instead I have been happily working my way through several pots of A Chocwork Orange.
The title, you’ll have noticed, derives from Anthony Burgess’s ground-breaking dystopian novel in which, as far as I recall, nobody drinks tea at all. (There’s never much tea-drinking in dystopian novels as a rule. Lack of a nice cuppa is one of the ways you can tell you’re living in a horrific version of the future.)
The characters do drink moloko, which is a milk and narcotics based cocktail but the tea-blenders at BrutaliTeas clearly aren’t striving for that level of authenticity and, happily, have produced a blend of tea, spices, chocolate and orange instead.
The chocolatey flavour is provided not just by cocoa nibs, as you would expect, but also by actual chocolate chips scattered amongst the tea-leaves.
This tea, I can honestly report, is abso-bloody-lutely gorgeous. It’s warm and spicy, slightly sweet and feels pleasingly indulgent. All the flavours of tea, cinnamon, cardamom, ginger and orange work beautifully together. The whole flavour combination runs like some of mechanised cog and gear device that I can’t currently think of the name for.
The base for the tea is Rooibos and Pu-Erh tea. Pur-Erh tea is a type of fermented – or ‘dark’ – tea. In my quest to try and understand the difference between black, dark , green and white teas, I happened across this diagram on Wikipedia and, quite frankly, it hasn’t helped at all.
On a practical note, all BrutaliTeas’ teas are loose-leaf which means you will need some kind of brewing device. I’d probably recommend using a teapot with a wider spout than the one I have because all the big chunks of cinnamon bark and stuff did tend to clog it up a bit. Happily, I was able to remedy the situation with a swift poke of a pointy stick down the spout-hole.
“A pointy stick down the spout-hole” sounds like something Alex, the protagonist of A Clockwork Orange would say when referring to something a lot more unpleasant. But, you know what, I reckon if Alex had had access to a nice rich tea experience like BrutaliTeas’ A Chocwork Orange, he probably wouldn’t have bothered with all that ultraviolence. He could have settled down with a mug of orangey chocolate tea and a cat and everyone would have been a lot happier.
BrutaliTeas are available online at www.brutaliteas.com. I will be reviewing their teas, Psychocostick and Krampistachio soon.
While writing this review, I discovered that BrutaliTeas now do a range of cat-based teas at www.purrsonaliteas.com. 10% of sales will be donated to animal rescue organisations. I will be buying and reviewing some of these teas as soon as I can. What with tea and cats being two out of my three favourite things.
If you are the sort of person who enjoys reading long rambling tea reviews from a kinky tea enthusiast, be sure to keep following this blog throughout December when there will be so much tea-flavoured content that it will make your head spin. More details soon!