Siffredi’s Hard Academy – Like a version of X-Factor where everyone gets their cocks out

I have just discovered Siffredi Late Night – Hard Academy on Netflix and, as it is quite the bonkersest thing I’ve seen in a long time, I have to share it with you.

Made in 2016, this is an Italian reality TV in which veteran porn actor Rocco Siffredi decides that what the world truly needs is its first ‘University of Porn’. He then sets about conducting X-Factor style auditions in order to select the first fourteen lucky participants for his pioneering educational establishment which presumably will guarantee them a successful career in the pornographic film industry.

This raises the first of many, many questions. Is it actually that hard to break into the adult film industry? Siffredi acts as though he’s Andrew Lloyd Weber looking for the next Nancy and the would-be sex actors are all similarly starry-eyed and “this has been my life-long dream”-y about the whole thing.

Now, I’ll admit I know absolutely nothing about the adult film industry, but it seems to be high-demand work with a swift staff turnover. Surely, there must already be hiring opportunities for the young people auditioning for Siffredi, given that they’re attractive, sexually open and apparently none too bothered about what their mums might make of their career choice.

I have only watched the first four of the series’ twenty-five episodes but this seems like a good place to stop and take stock. The auditions are now over and the next episode will see our enthusiastic participants whisked off to Budapest for kinky boot camp.

Siffredi and his team favour the traditional sitting-behind-a-long-desk setup while the hopefuls are ushered in to demonstrate their talents. Rocco’s team consists of adult film actress Carolina Abril and Siffredi’s cousin, Gabriel, who, quite frankly, is the only person who seems to be taking this seriously a lot of the time.

They are auditioning for producers and script writers as well, but the vast majority of the auditionees are would-be actors. They’re all male at this stage, I have no idea where Siffredi is going to get the girls from.

Nervous would-bes get a quick greeting before, generally, they’re asked to get their cocks out. If you want a TV show full of twenty-something Italian guys standing in a warehouse with their trousers around their knees apologising for the limpness of their dicks then this is definitely the show for you. There is an awful lot of that.

Most guys, it turns out, can’t achieve an erection on demand. Siffredi is terribly nice about it all and reassures them that it’s understandable under the circumstances. The thing is, surely insta-erection is a key skill for male porn actors? Top of their CVs is probably “able to conjure up a stiffy when surrounded by people I’ve never met before and a film crew”. As it turns out, only two people aced the interview purely on their tumescence.

Happily there are other ways for our lads to shine. Often, Siffredi points to Carolina or one of the other visiting actresses on his team, and asks the guys to show him what they would do with them. Mostly the blokes just look like all their Christmases have come at once before getting stuck into some awkward snogging and neck-stroking.

It’s easy to describe it as being like the X-Factor but with penises instead of songs. But, you know what, Siffredi totally trounces Simon Cowell here because Hard Academy auditions frequently have music as well.

One guy brought his accordion into the audition and everyone (Siffredi included) had a bit of a sing-song. I reckon he’s going through to the next round. Surely, there’s no better way to ace your porn audition than whipping out your squeeze box? There’s also the guy who wants to combine his twin passions of adult entertainment and rap music. He delights the gang with his specially-written-for-the-occasion Italian whiteboy rap ditty.

And while we are on the subject of music, whoever was in charge of putting together the soundtrack for this show deserves some kind of award. Hilarious literality and the wince-inducing inappropriateness are here in spades. Like a Bob Marley number for the skinny Jason Mewes look-a-like with dreadlocks and, brilliantly, the theme song for Popeye the Sailor Man for a bald, burly, muscle-bound tattooed gentleman.

Securing the music rights must have constituted a significant part of this show’s budget, presumably Barry White’s Get In On, Shaggy’s Mr Boombastic and Jane Birkin’s Je T’aime don’t come cheap?

Siffredi’s Hard Academy is (mostly unintentionally) hilarious rather than sexy. But it certainly doesn’t shy away from displaying nudity. There’s tits, bums and penises generously scattered throughout. Watching this show, I have seen more cocks in two hours … well, than I normally see in two hours, that’s for sure.

Here’s hoping that the rest of the series turns out to be just as mad, baffling, porny and ridiculous as the first four episodes.

‘Siffredi Late Night – Hard Academy’ is currently available on Netflix.