E L James recently released a follow up to Fifty Shades of Grey because, heaven knows, she hasn’t already made enough money out of the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise.
Grey, as I am sure you already know, is Fifty Shades of Grey told from Christian’s Grey point of view. The first few chapters were included at the end of Fifty Shades Freed. Or at least in the copy of the book that I bought two or three years ago. This doesn’t seem to have been mentioned in any coverage of Grey that I have come across (although to be fair, I haven’t been paying them a lot of attention.) Which leads me to suspect that most people didn’t make it to the end of the third book.
The thing is, for the couple of chapters I read, reading the story from Christian’s perspective makes some kind of sense. In the first few chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey, we don’t really know what Christian’s take on the situation is. What does he make of Ana Steele the first time she comes tumbling into his office? Was his turning up in the hardware store in which she worked a lucky accident or part of his weird-arse stalker shit? (Spoiler: Weird-ass stalker shit, obviously.)
Once the couple start dating though, we know exactly what Christian Grey is thinking. We know because he and Ana discuss it in long, boring and fucking unrelentless detail. What on earth could be added to the interminable emails that the couple send to one another when read from Psycho Boyfriend’s perspective?
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| There you go, James. I’m pimping your book anyway. You’re welcome. |
The book will no doubt sell millions, mostly to people who don’t realise that there is literally a fuckton of better erotica out there. (And yes I meant ‘literally’ literally there. ‘Fuckton’ is an official measurement of erotic literature output.)
But, you know what, E L? Sooner or later, you’re going to have to write a different book. I know it’s hard. I know you want to keep the cash cow incessantly lactating. But I’m sure you’ve got at least one non-Fifty Shades of Grey book in you.
J K Rowling managed it. So did Stephanie Meyers. She managed to quit the Twilighting habit and write The Host, a dystopian sci-fi novel all about invasive aliens hosts and complicated love triangles and whatnot. She didn’t just re-write Twilight from Carlisle Cullen’s point of view or something.
There you go. That’s your next project, if you’re not already on it. Fifty Shades of Grey was re-hashed Twilight fan fiction. Maybe your next book should be Host-based erotic fan fiction. You can give Wanda, Melanie, Jared and Ian new names and tweak the story about. Maybe replace Wanda’s people’s desire for consuming souls and overtaking the planet with, I don’t know, a desire to set up multi-million pound businesses, twat about in helicopters and buy a lot of iPads. And bung in some spanking and oral sex, obviously.
Not that that I’m telling you how to do your job, E L James. You know how to recycle, re-use and endlessly rehash books better than anyone.