I cover a lot of stuff on this blog. Books, films, sex-positivity, kink-positivity, feminism and tea (obviously). It’s all welcome here. But, readers, I have to confess, that being spanked is my number one true love. Spanking is right there in big swirly writing on the blog heading, after all. And when it comes to being whacked repeatedly on the arse, my number one favourite tool for the job is a paddle.
Canes, whips and crops are all lovely too and I’ll be writing about those things soon. But paddles are the best. Nice big sturdy things which, ideally, cover a substantial surface area of my – admittedly also substantial – bum.
And it turns out that when I start talking about paddles, I have quite a lot to say.
I don’t think of myself as a materialistic person. I don’t do shopping as a pastime. I’m not an early adopter of technology because while my inner geek embraces innovation, the thriftier side of me wants to wait until it’s a more reasonably priced not-the-newest-thing-on-the-block anymore. Purchasing clothes, shoes and make-up is a chore rather than a pleasure. (I have realised that if I wear DMs for the rest of my life then I might never have to step into a shoe shop ever again.)
None of this is true when it comes to sex and spank toys. I want ALL the things. I want them now and I want them regardless of whether I already have something quite similar in the toy bag. One could probably exist quite happily with a ‘capsule’ spank bag. A big paddle, a small paddle, cane, a little stingy thing, some kind of tawse-type thing and a flogger (if you’re into that sort of thing) should probably be enough to satisfy any pervert’s spanking requirements.
Or would It? There are so many delightful swishy, stingy and, best of all, thuddy things out there providing slightly different feelings of anticipation and impact.
The most marvellous thing about most of the spanking implements in the toy bag is that they were specifically designed for the purposes of hitting a consenting bottom and making someone go “Ow!”. Growing up, I worried I might be the only sort of weirdo who enjoys his sort of thing. Decades on and I’m not sure the novelty of the existence of fellow spankos has entirely worn off. Other people like this stuff too! And they take this shit seriously. People spend time designing and making quality spank objects just so I can enjoy my lifelong dream of being hit really hard on the bottom with stuff.
Let me introduce you to a few of my spank things.
This one is my favourite. Its big, heavy and it’s not mucking about. Accept no substitutions for a proper well-made paddle. At the very least, don’t keep buying sodding bread boards and then getting miffed when the fucking things break mid-spank session like I used to. Bread boards have not been designed with really enthusiastic bum impact in mind. This baby has. (And you can also use it as a bread board if you really wanted to so win win.)
It comes from GratefulPain.com who have a delightful collection of hand-made wooden paddles in all shapes of sizes. I had to go to their website to get the link for that previous sentence and looking at all the wooden loveliness, I am dangerously close to putting another order in. The ‘stingers’ look fun.
I am assured by my gentleman friend that the beautifully carved handle on this paddle makes it quite a satisfying object to wield.
Some spanking implements make me go “Ouch!”. Some make me go “Eek!”. Sometimes I make a weird hissing noise which I presume it some kind of rudimentary pain management on the part of my body.
This paddle? This makes me go “Oof!” It’s the oofiest paddle I have.
Some years ago, I dated a guy, who while rather forgettable in many respects, did have the most delightful paddle in his collection. It was big and heavy and wooden and it had holes. I didn’t miss him after our breakup, but I really, really missed that paddle. I spent many years trying to find he same paddle. I haven’t yet managed to find the exact same one but this one from TrussedUK is a good start.
Holes in a spanking paddle allow the air to pass through during the high-speed just-before-impact descent. Holes prevent air pockets cushioning the impact of the blow. It might not feel like there’s a whole lot of air cushioning going on when we use the non-holey paddles but, the addition of holes does seem to be conducive to a sharper, harder and faster impact. Which, as I’m going for maximum pain here can only be a good thing.
Used sparingly, the holes can also leave a pretty visual effect on one’s bottom. ‘Sparingly’ is not really a word in our spanking vocabulary though.
It is, like all the wooden paddles in my collection, a thing of beauty. It’s a shame that they spend most of their time hidden away in an oversized sports bag. One day, I will have the spank dungeon that I dream of and all my paddles can finally realise their other true purposes – that of decorative wall art.
Wood is my favourite material for spanking implements. There is something almost friendly about the impact of wood. I don’t even know what I mean by ‘friendly’ as obviously they hurt like hell and hurting like hell is one of my primary requirements for such things.
There’s something about wood which makes it feel like the whole bottom is being spanked in one go. The pain isn’t localised as it is with some other objects. The biggest contrast is between a wooden paddle and a riding crop. A riding crop delivers a very intense impact to a very specific area. The pain on impact is eye-smartingly intense but, actually, the pain goes again relatively quickly. With a paddle (and especially a wooden one), the pain goes down every layer of your arse. The impact hasn’t gone by the time the next spank is delivered. That pain just keeps building and building.
Much as I love wood, I am also open to the idea of paddles which are made of not-wood.
This little beauty is a good example.
It’s made of rubber. It’s smallish. It’s an “Ow”-er rather than an “Oof”-er. One side is smooth and still does a good job of making itself known on impact. It’s the other side which the really interesting stuff happens though. The little ridges give a sensation unlike anything else in the collection. It’s looks a bit like a meat tenderiser and, yeah, that’s what it feels like. It tenderises flesh provoking an almost tingly effect that makes its effects known for the rest of the spanking, increasing the sensitivity to everything else that one is subsequently hit with.
Most of things on this list are designed-for-purpose spanky things. But, hey I am a spanko. I am inherently incapable of going into any kind of household department and not eyeing up kitchenware and considering objects for spanking possibilities.
I mentioned before that, tempting as they look on the shelves, bread boards can prove a little disappointing in the bedroom (or spank dungeon). Apart from the disappointment, I’m probably putting myself at risk of getting splinters in my arse which is not appealing at all.
It’s hard to resist a sturdy looking wooden spoon when I ‘m going about my day-to-day shopping activities, though. Eminently portable, easy to wield and generally cheap enough that it’s no big deal if the thing does snap in half the first time you play with it.
Turns out we have four wooden spoons in the spank bag. They are all slightly different with different designs of holes and things. There’s probably some kind of culinary reason for the holes. Straining pasta or something. I have to admit I wasn’t really thinking about cooking when I bought them.
A spanking session conducted entirely with a wooden spoon would probably be a little disappointing, but they are nice warm up implement and a welcome change when interspersed with some of the heftier items in the collection.
This black and red paddle was bought from Honour near Waterloo Station in London. I forget the exact circumstances, but I needed a paddle in a hurry and Honour was a handy place to nip into and purchase one on my way home from work.
Honour is a lovely shop; I hope it’s managing OK in these crazy Covid times. Their website seems to suggest they’re still in business. You have to the ring the doorbell to get in which always makes it feel a bit exclusive and naughty and once you’re inside, it’s a lovely welcoming environment staffed by the most helpful ladies in the world. One time, one of them helped strap me into a corset so I could decide if I liked it.
The cuffs, collars and gags section is pretty well-stocked as I recall. But the spanky implements section is a little underwhelming. Too many Ann-Summers-looking heart shaped flappy things for my liking and not enough stuff with heft. Still, this paddle is perfectly serviceable. It does the job.
This sturdy plastic paddle is from Bear Bite. I bought it on one my trips to the London Alternative Market. It’s only £12.00 to purchase now but I’m sure it was half price when I bought it and therefore such an absolute steal that I couldn’t not buy one.
It’s available in a whole rainbow of different colours which look so pretty together that it was tempting to buy half a dozen of them and put them in a vase. But owning multiples of the same type of paddle would be a bit silly when the only difference between them is the colour. It’s not that I can actually tell whether I’m being spanked with a red paddle or a green one when I’m face down on a spanking bench.
Although there’s probably a game you could devise along those lines if you wanted a challenge. One with severe penalties for wrong answers, obviously.
This one from TrussedUK is the most recent addition to the spanky paddle toy collection. This is the largest paddle in the collection. It looks pretty fearsome (and it certainly packs a hefty whack, I can tell you) but the studs aren’t as vicious as they first appear. They are completely smooth with no sharp edges. Their purpose is to bruise rather than puncture. Which is good news for me as I generally stay clear of anything breaks skin.
It’s another London Alternative Market purchase. Only this was London Alternative Market In The Time Of Covid which meant the whole experience took place in a cow field in an undisclosed bit of the countryside in Sussex. God, it felt good to get out amongst kinky people again after lockdown. In a responsible socially distanced way of course.
So there you go, a whirlwind tour of some of the things that make me happy.
There are lots of the things in life which bring joy: chocolate, cats, rainbows, the love and support of friends and family. But ten minutes after a really intense spanking session, when I’m wearing a grin like a Cheshire cat and sporting a bottom hot enough to fry eggs on, that’s the time when I’m truly at peace with the world.
This isn’t a sponsored post. All the items I’ve mentioned here are things that I already have in my toy bag. All links provided are done so without any involvement from the parties concerned.
However, if any spank toy emporiums out there would like to provide me with items in exchange for an honest review, I reckon I would probably be up for that. Contact me at email@example.com and we can chat.
And if it that does happen, then rest assured readers, that I will make it very clear in my review.