Four Stars

I bought CJ Douglass’s Sextoynado because, well, it’s called Sextoynado and if that isn’t sufficient reason to buy and read a book then I don’t know what is.And, happily, Sex Toynado delivers exactly what you want it to. A strangely sentient, kinky-as-fuck tornado which deposits dildos, vibrators and butt plugs all over the hitherto quiet town of Layton, Pennsylvania.

It’s up to Catholic priest, Father O’Malley – with the help of spunky science reporter June Roarke – to find a way of stopping the advancing menace of the stormy sex frenzy that is taking over his flock. The answer, it turns out, isn’t what he expected although it is exactly what this reader wanted. Because, let’s face it, the only decent way to wrap this story up is with a massive great orgy.

That’s a bit of a spoiler right there, but, honestly, it’s not going to diminish anyone’s enjoyment of the book knowing that the whole thing culminates in an enthusiastic shag-a-thon. In fact, I think it provides a bit of reassurance to the reader that it’s all heading that way. You’re welcome.

Are the sex toys a tool of Satan? Well, they don’t look like this, so maybe not.

Prior to reading it, I thought that if I was going to enjoy this book at all it would be in a “so bad it’s funny” way. But, actually, I genuinely liked it. It’s engaging, well-written and entertaining and rather fun to submerse yourself in for a while. Sure, the premise is utterly absurd. No explanation is given for the existence of the sex toys or why they have started raining down on the town. Where did they come from? Who made them? How the devil are they able to insert themselves into people autonomously, often circumnavigating articles of clothing in the process?

No matter. Having set up a scenario where this craziness does happen, Douglass meticulously sticks to the rules of the pervy sci-fi universe they have created. The scenario is played straight even if the deliciously perverted shenanigans of the town’s occupants aren’t.

So there you go. If you’ve been thinking “I really need a book about natural disasters, sentient sex toys, every permeation of human copulation and a hefty dose of religious philosophy“, then it turns out that this is exactly the book you’ve been looking for.

Although, if you have been thinking that, quite frankly reader, you’re a lot weirder than I initially took you for.

Rejected PG version of the book. Possibly.