Of course, this movie was just called “Neighbors” in the US. I assume they changed it for us Brits, because “Neighbours” would just make us think of a certain Australian soap opera, Kylie Minogue and the ear-wormiest theme song in the history of ever.

I’ve mentioned before that spanking is a noisy business. Unless you have some kind of fully soundproofed spank dungeon, I’m sure you’re aware that the application of a stout wooden paddle to a fleshy backside can have a bit of a reverberating sound to it. (Incidentally, if you do have a fully soundproofed spank dungeon, can I borrow it sometime, please?)

I live in a block of flats so I potentially have three lots of neighbours who might be disturbed by the sounds of the occasional spanky shenanigans which occur round my place. Because my apartments are relatively newly built and because I never hear what my neighbours are up to (and I’m not just talking about kinky stuff), I like to kid myself that noise-wise my home is pretty well insulated. Still, even if it isn’t, I never see my neighbours. It’s not like we need to make awkward chitchat while washing our cars or weeding our front gardens.

Nicer people than me are probably more concerned about disturbing their neighbours. My current gentleman spanker friend was very aware of how noisy the whole business was when we were round his house the other day. Happily, that didn’t stop him having at it with gusto. Apart from the occasional “ow”, “ouch” or “fucking hell!”, I’m not a particularly noisy spankee. But, like I said, the sound of wood or leather or a an open palm enthusiastically applied to a willing arse, well it’s not exactly quiet, is it?

In the right hands, this hairbrush can make a lot of noise.

Later on in the evening we were chilling out and cuddling and watching Doctor Who (in fact I think we were literally “Netflix and Chill”ing. You know like cool young people do. Unless I’ve hopelessly misunderstood that particular meme) when there was a ring at his doorbell. He was all “Who the hell is calling at at 10 o’clock in the evening?”

I was briefly worried that I might have to reassure some well-meaning neighbours that my friend wasn’t imprisoning and beating some poor hapless woman against her will. Luckily, they were just handing over a parcel which had been delivered earlier that day.

Thing is, the parcel in question was a leather gladiator kilt. And it was entirely clear from the packaging exactly what it was. (Poor show, leatheraddicts.com, have you never heard of discretion?)

Maybe don’t get this delivered to your mum’s house.

Gentleman spanking friend is convinced that not only do his neighbours now know that he’s a pervert, but that they spent the evening discussing when was best to drop the package off. “Shall we take it round now, do you think?” “Best not, just at the moment. He sounds busy.” Then politely waiting until there was a lull in the spanking noises before nipping round.

Oh I hope my kinks don’t make me un-neighbourly. I try to be a nice person. I don’t drop litter, I recycle, I buy copious amounts of sweets every Halloween just in case (even though Trick or Treating isn’t something that ever happens round these parts). If I am a nuisance, I’d like to think that at the very least, it might give the neighbours something to chat to one another about. “Oh hello, Doris. You know her at number 9? Well, you’d never guess what she gets up to. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if she planted some pampas grass outside her house. You never know with those types.”